he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
