they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
