I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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