saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
