What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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