If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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