oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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