I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
