if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
