I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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