I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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