Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
