I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
