I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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