1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
