dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
