Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have aggressive nipples.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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