Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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