Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
