I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize