Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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