i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize