Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
