We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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