the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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