your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
