They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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