Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
