im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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