She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
