I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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