2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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