I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
