Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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