Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
