So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
