We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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