That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
