I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
