Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize