The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
