burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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