I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
