It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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