I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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