his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
