i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
