I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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