They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
