mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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