just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
