If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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