was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
