just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
