Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
