I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
