Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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