We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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