She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
