My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
whose parrot is this?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
