News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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